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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?