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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.