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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).