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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!