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Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?