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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?