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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t