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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.