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I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.