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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.