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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.