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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.