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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??