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A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.