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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
I try not to limit my madness to March.