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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
My anger management class pisses me off
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.