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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.