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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.