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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.