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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.