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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?