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Does this status update make me look fat?
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.