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Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.