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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”