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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Some people should come with subtitles.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.