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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Do angry people know about naps?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.