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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....