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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."