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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.