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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.