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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.