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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.