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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"