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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...