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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.