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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.