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I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.