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Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.