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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.