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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.