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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.