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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.