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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I