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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"