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HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.