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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.