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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.