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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
My cardio is shopping.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.