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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.