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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.