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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.