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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.