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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!