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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late