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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Good for you, people that do things.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.