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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.