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A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
The well behaved rarely make history.
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.