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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
My inner self is in Photoshop
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.