Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.