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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry