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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.