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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.