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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.