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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
I wish common sense was more common.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
I wish karma would send me email notifications.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.