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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.