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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.