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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.