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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."