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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.