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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.