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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.