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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink