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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.