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I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.