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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …