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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?