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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.