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Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.