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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.