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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360