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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)