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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.