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Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.