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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.