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I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.