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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.