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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.