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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.