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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray