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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about