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Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.