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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My cardio is shopping.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."