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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her