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“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)