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Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches