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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.