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If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.