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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.