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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.