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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time