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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.