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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?