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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!