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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Another funny thing about this status is when you finally realize that it talks about nothing? its all ready too late to stop reading. lol
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)