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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
You can`t be late until you show up
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*